Cat+Water=poodle cat

Cats born pre-drowned.

This right here, this is a "poodle cat". 

I had this cat once, only it was a stuffed animal that got washed and dried too much. But it looked just like this, except without the eyes that say " I will kill you all."
Funny thing, since "poodle" means "puddle" this really is just a drowned cat.

Poodle cats have been accepted as a breed, which is a big deal because cats don't have a lot of real"breeds" just colors and coat lengths. Thus, cat owners can't get too fancy about their cats, unlike dog owners. I imagine cat shows are like cats themselves sort of "Fuck it, whose the prettiest." Which makes a dog show the Miss America pageants and cat shows the Miss USA. This especially makes sense when you realize the the owner of Miss USA, Donald Trump, has had a dead Cat on his head for several years.

Back on task:

The official name is Selkirk Rex which keeps shifting in my sight and looking like Skrillex.

They are like poodles except you can tell them apart is a few ways. I made a pictorial guide and a handy list of characteristi to put in your pocket. A sort of field guide so next time you run into a small kinky haired domesticated mammal and aren't sure if it's a poodle dog or poodle cat, you don't have to exercise any critical thinking- just observational skills. This chart has a 95% confidence of helping you tell the difference. The other 5% is Brandi. She is also a small, kinky-haired domesticated animal. She, however, can have an intelligent conversation with you or sing you a fabulous song and is human so if you think it's Brandi, it probably is.

By the way, I don't own a poodle. I own the First dog and a mutt. My sister claims to own a poodle dog, but since the thing weighs 7 pounds it doesn't qualify as a real dog. Dogs must weigh at least 50 lbs before they are real. Until that point they are either really nice cats or lifelike anima-tronics.

Poodle dog

Comes when called

Probably won’t eat you if you die

One of the (purportedly) smartest dog

Poodle cat

Couldn't give a shit if you call it

Will wait until your body cools or the kibble runs out or for you to stop crying about being stabbed before it eats your dead body (makes nightly checks to see if you are edible and alive)

One of the most useless cats.

DARE message- stay the fuck away from Angel Dust.

I am a child of the mid-to-late eighties/early-nineties. As such, I grew up with cartoons that were thinly veiled propaganda and anti-drug messages that were INCREDIBLY effective.

Protect America from Communism by using Consumerism! And Robots

We all remember the "This is your brain" ad's which were good, they taught us how taking drugs cause you to make fried eggs and then make loud clanging noises with pots and pans, eventually causing you to ruin your kitchen. That was important to me because I liked the kitchen and I hated loud noises. Also eggs were gross.

Eggs are gross ergo drugs are gross.

To this day I remember an advertisement wherein a a model removes her dress, then removes her false breasts, then removes her make-up, her teeth, her wig and then her leg leaving this grotesque zombie on the screen. I have no idea what drug they were warning me against- crack? pot? cigs? beer? - I don't know, I just resolved to stay away from everything so that I didn't accidentally become an Umbrella core "side effect".

Fast forward to my first grown-up business trip. I got to go to a conference in Hawaii. Rain forests! Beaches! Volcano!  The brochure forgot to mention that Hawaii has a serious meth-problem. So I was constantly confronted with signs like these:

http://hawaii.methproject.org/Our-Work/print.php

Which any right thinking person thinks are hilarious! Seriously, I lost my shit on a bus when I first saw these. They are VINTAGE Partnership for a Drug-Free America stuff. None of this whiney "Don't do pot-for Jesus!" crap my little brother came home with no! Stark realizations on how drugs change your life! Cautionary tales that if they don't seem way out there to you make you re-think a life choice.

I like to imagine that there is a guy. He's been a tweeker for a little while, he just finished giving a BJ in a gas station bathroom for $10 and then beat up an old man for money and he realizes "Crap! If I don't get back to the house in 20 minutes, I'll miss my turn to use the mirror to check my skin for bugs!" So he gets on the bus and sees this advertisement and suddenly it changes his life. He's all like "Whoa! What am I doing?" and he starts street preaching and shaking his fellow tweekers going "Man, without meth we might have teeth! We could have skin! Think of a world with skin!"

And that makes me think about signs for life's other poor decisions. If all I need is a grungy picture and an uncomfortable line, I could make ad's for everything bad that I do.

Like:

Or call back joke:

Finally:

Angels property of BBC

Go home Dutch..you've got herring in your cake.

http://biscoff.com/biscoff-spread/

This is a thing.

This is an "alternative to peanut butter".

This is a "cookie spread".

Yes. They crushed up cookies, mixed them with oil to form a spread not unlike peanut butter except in one very important way- it's made from cookies.

My co-workers are from many diverse places- Switzerland, China, Israel, Taiwan, Alabama and Belgium. We are always amazed at how weird we all are but, as always, the Belgians win. I'm always reminded at times like this of Veronica from 'Better off Ted’ and her lightening acumen on the subject of the Dutch.

"I think it's Dutch. It sounds like their stupid handiwork, with their cheese and their giant propeller buildings."

Source Better Off Ted Garfield Grove Productions 20th Century Fox

One co-worker saw it at Wal-mart and brought it in for another co-worker who has a peanut allergy. To spread on apples and whatever, celery, I don’t know. Sure she could use almond butter or hazelnut butter or really anything that sounds like it's healthy but why when she could have a spreadable cookie?

My problem is 2 fold:

1. Once they make the Oreo form my husband is done. He will die of diabetes partly because of two.
2. Once you have a peanut butter substitute in hand it is only a short time before you make the sandwich. Once you have let that happen, you have fallen down the slope and are permanently living in sweatpants.
Seriously, cookie spread sandwich will lead to a sandwich and chips. For lunch. For weeks on end.
Then your Wal-mart appropriate clothes become your work appropriate clothes.

Soon you will be making peanut butter cookies and subbing in cookie spread and the world will implode.

I finish with another Veronica word on the Dutch: "I don't hate the Dutch. I love the Dutch. That's why I hold them to a higher standard."